Archive of PWUpdate.net (2013-2014)

Date: March 11, 2013

Venue: The Bankers Life Fieldhouse (Indianapolis, IN)

Commentators: Michael Cole & Jerry “The King” Lawler

Brock Lesnar returns to answer Triple H‘s challenge, CM Punk and The Undertaker get their Wrestlemania program started, and the New Age Outlaws return for the second week in a row this time to do battle with the reuniting Rhodes Scholars. Check out a full recap of the show plus my own thoughts below the line.

*****

-WWE Opening Signature-

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WWE Salutes Paul Bearer

We cut live to the Bankers Life Fieldhouse where Justin Roberts asks all to rise for a salute to William “Paul Bearer” Moody. The video montage WWE released on YouTube last week then plays and at the conclusion the show cuts back live as the Indianapolis crowd cheers in approval. The lights go out and the “GONGS!” begin, bringing out Paul Bearer’s former protege The Undertaker. Undertaker makes the slow trek to the ring and gets in, where an urn has been placed. Undertaker stands in front of the urn then gets down and salutes it like he used to as a graphic memorializing Paul Bearer shows on the TitanTron.

• Thoughts: It just got really dusty at Pro Wrestling Update HQ.
  

“Cult of Personality” all of a sudden kicks up and out comes CM Punk to interrupt the thoughtful salute. Punk, mic in hand, stays on the entrance stage and the crowd boos him intensely when he music dies down. Punk tells the crowd to simmer down and tells everyone they misunderstand why he’s out here. Punk says he’s out here to extend his heartfelt condolences and apologies for Undertaker’s loss…at Wrestlemania 29. Punk says to Paul Bearer Undertaker will be 20-0 but to everyone else, in four weeks, he’ll be 20-1. Punk says the night after Wrestlemania 29 the WWE will be showing a video about him and he says that in 50 years everyone’s grandkids will ask where they were when Punk ended the streak. Undertaker and Punk stare one another down before Punk exits to the back.

• Thoughts: I didn’t know if they were going to use Bearer’s death for the Punk/Undertaker feud but I’m actually pretty glad they did. This wasn’t tasteless in the slightest and managed to be respectful while also giving Punk nuclear heat. Well-done.

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Next on RAW: The Big Show takes on The Shield‘s Seth Rollins.We see a clip of Show talking about his upcoming match with a random backstage person before it cuts to commercial.

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-Commercial Break-

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WWEActive Exclusive: CM Punk comes back out and soaks in the boos until Kane makes his way out from the back. Kane tries to chokeslam Punk off the stage, but Punk slithers out and runs away.

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Kane is backstage searching for CM Punk. He makes his way into the dressing room, throwing Alex Riley to the floor out of fury before leaving. The Prime Time Players and Bo Dallas tend to the fallen Riley as Cole/Lawler sell the surprise.

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The Big Show makes his way out to the ring for the opening contest. We see clips from The Shield‘s attack on Show immediately after RAW concluded. The Shield’s theme hits and out come Seth Rollins, Roman Reigns, and Dean Ambrose. Rollins does a front roll over the barricade then bumps fists with The Shield before Rollins makes his way to the apron.

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Match #1: The Big Show Vs. Seth Rollins [w/ Dean Ambrose & Roman Reigns]

Rollins enters the ring and the bell rings. Show immediately attacks Rollins. Rollins ducks out of a corner splash but Show pushes him off with ease. Rollins charges at Show but Show moves, sending Rollins flying into Ambrose on the outside. Show exits the ring and throws Reigns into the barricade. Ambrose jumps on Show’s back and the ref calls for the bell.

Winner [via Disqualification]: The Big Show (0:40)

• Match Thoughts: Well that was expected. Show looked dominant though, more dominant than others who have gone against The Shield.
  

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Post-Match: The Shield triple team show on the outside but he fights them off. Show rolls Ambrose into the ring, and Ambrose tries to attack him. Show uses his strength and sends Ambrose to the mat. Rollins goes for a springboard but Show catches him with a goozle. But he never gets the Chokeslam in as Reigns spears him out of nowhere. Ambrose and Rollins pick Show up and put him on Reigns shoulders who then smashes Show to the mat with the TRIPLE POWERBOMB. The Shield stand over the fallen Show and yell about justice and such.

• Thoughts: Alright that was pretty cool. Went a long way into keeping The Shield looking strong and dominant and definitely made Show look like a real threat against the team.
  

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Vickie’s Office

Vickie Guerrero and Brad Maddox are talking when CM Punk interrupts. Punk tells them to do something about Kane. Guerrero says Punk has disrespected the memory of Paul Bearer and will have to ask Kane for mercy tonight when he faces him in a No-Disqualification Match. Punk tries to say he’s not but they stone-face him and he runs off angry.

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Daniel Bryan comes out for the second match of the evening. We see clips of Bryan and former flame AJ Lee bantering backstage last Friday on Smackdown which sets up his match against Dolph Ziggler which is next!

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-Commercial Break-

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“Remembering Paul Bearer” Clip #1 (1990): Brother Love introduces Paul Bearer as the new manager of The Undertaker.

• Thoughts: How weird is it that Brother Love was the original manager of The Undertaker? Talk about opposites.
  

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Dolph Ziggler is already in the ring for the next match. AJ Lee and Big E Langston are at ringside.

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Match #2: Daniel Bryan Vs. Dolph Ziggler [w/ AJ Lee & Big E Langston]

Ziggler applies a wristlock but Bryan rolls out and reverses with a suplex. Bryan quickly transitions into a wristlock of his own and moves into a side headlock. Bryan catches Ziggler mid-leapfrog and applies a full-body seated surfboard, elevation and everything. Bryan turns it into a pinning combination for 1. Bryan cracks Ziggler with a European uppercut but Ziggler quickly recovers and drops him with a dropkick for a 2-count. Ziggler slams Bryan’s head into the top turnbuckle but Bryan throws him into the corner and connects with a series of NO! KICKS. Bryan whips Ziggler into the opposite corner and connects with a corner dropkick for a 2-count.

Bryan grabs Ziggler by the wrist and slams his arm over his shoulder. Bryan does so once again, keeping the wristlock tightly applied. Bryan eventually sends Ziggler to the mat and Bryan breaks the hold to stomp on him. Ziggler catches Bryan with a kick during a backdrop attempt but Bryan connects with the move a second time, sending him to the floor. Bryan goes to follow up but Langston gets on the apron to stomp him. Bryan backs off as we go to commercial.

-Commercial Break-

Ziggler has Bryan in a headstand chinlock as the show returns from commercial. Bryan gets to his feet and elbows his way out. Bryan takes Ziggler down and slingshots him into the corner. Bryan starts fighting back with a series of kicks and backflips out of the corner. Bryan follows up with a running knee. Ziggler gets his boot up during a corner splash attempt but Bryan counters his sleeper attempt. Bryan rolls Ziggler up for a close 2-count. Bryan connects with another European uppercut and repeatedly peppers Ziggler with a series of NO! KICKS. Bryan connects with the final kick to the head and covers Ziggler for the 1…2…kickout.

Bryan makes his way to the top rope but Ziggler crotches him. Ziggler climbs to the top for a hurricanrana but Bryan slides out and crotches Ziggler on the top. Bryan climbs up behind him but Ziggler counters the back suplex mid-air into a lateral press for the 1…2…kickout! Ziggler ducks a roundhouse right and tries for a suplex but Bryan flips out. Bryan attempts a hurricanrana but Ziggler drops him on the ropes and hits the ZIG ZAG for the 1…2…kickout! Ziggler peppers Bryan with a series of elbows. Bryan goes to reverse into the NO! LOCK but Lee distracts the ref allowing Langston to put Ziggler’s foot on the bottom rope. Bryan kicks at Langston, and Ziggler rolls him up for the 1…2…Bryan reverses into the NO! LOCK. Ziggler breaks out and connects with the ZIG ZAG (awkwardly) for the 1…2…3!

Winner [via Pinfall]: Dolph Ziggler (11:34)

• Match Thoughts: A really fun match and Dolph Ziggler’s entourage finally led him to victory again after what has felt like months of ineffectual interference. Does the begin the rise of Dolph Ziggler? I really hope so.
  

Post-Match: Lee looks at Langston, who then pulls the straps down. Langston picks Bryan up and drops him with the BIG ENDING as Ziggler and Lee look on. Ziggler’s music kicks back up as Ziggler congratulates Langston on beating up an already downed man.

• Thoughts: And Langston even got to do the BIG ENDING again! It’s like they’re back to square one, back to the days when it looked like this trio was going to pose a threat. I’m going to be cautiously excited about it because of reasons.
  

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Last Week on RAW: Triple H challenges Brock Lesnar for Wrestlemania 29.

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-Commercial Break-

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WWE “Slam of the Week”: The Honky Tonk Man, Brodus Clay, & Tensai dance to HTM’s theme. Heath Slater interrupts, leading to HTM smashing a guitar over his head.

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Brodus Clay & Tensai make their entrance along with The Funkadactyls as the show cuts back live. Tensai can’t keep up. Justin Roberts introduces Tensai’s opponent: Fandango. Nothing happens. Tensai grabs the mic and tells Fandango to “get out here now”, mispronouncing his name. A ballroom dancer comes dancing out as his theme kicks up and finally Fandango makes his appearance. Fandango tells Tensai that not only did he mispronounce his name but Tensai is a disgrace to the art of dance. Fandango calls Clay and Tensai an “abomination”. Fandango says he’ll come down to the ring when they get his name right. Roberts goes to say it, but Fandango calls him “Joshua” and tells him he wants to hear Naomi say his name. Fandango tells Naomi she’s better than this. She goes to say it but Tensai rips the mic out of her hand. Fandango interrupts Tensai and says he just cost everyone a chance to witness a match with himself. And with that Fandango and the dancer exit.

• Thoughts: My girlfriend is with me tonight and she was laughing at how ridiculous this was. I was laughing because Fandango is awesome. I thought it was going to wear thin but I’m still enjoying his schtick. And a feud with Clay & Tensai is a logical way to bring him in…especially if he steals Naomi away by being seductive.
  

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Product Placement: A trailer for GI Joe: Retaliation plays which stars WWE Champion The Rock.

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Next on RAW: The New Age Outlaws are in action against The Rhodes Scholars.

• Thoughts: Why? WHY? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?
  

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-Commercial Break-

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Remembering Paul Bearer Clip #2 (2004): Paul Bearer returns to The Undertaker‘s side at Wrestlemania XX, helping Taker’s transition back to “The Dead Man” after years as a biker.

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The Rhodes Scholars are in the ring as the show goes live. Damien Sandow and Cody Rhodes do their own version of The New Age Outlaws’ opening mic schtick. They conclude with “and if you’re not down with that, we have two words for you…YOU’RE WELCOME!”. The real New Age Outlaws make their way out immediately following. Road Dogg does his random talking at his makes his way to the ring. Road Dogg calls The Rhodes Scholars “ladies” then launch into the real opening schtick, dedicating it to Paul Bearer.

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Match #3: The New Age Outlaws (Road Dogg & Billy Gunn) Vs. The Rhodes Scholars (Damien Sandow & Cody Rhodes)

Road Dogg and Cody Rhodes start the match off. Dogg gets an armdrag and jukes a bit before being caught with a knee from Rhodes. Dogg is whipped into the ropes but ducks a right hand and launches into his right hand/dance combo. He goes to finish up with the juke elbowdrop but Sandow stops him. Rhodes hits a DISASTER KICK on Dogg…but then out comes Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman. Lesnar jumps the apron and the ref calls for the bell.

• Match Thoughts: Thank you Brock. Thank you so much. This match was going nowhere and for some reason I wasn’t expecting this so I was elated when Lesnar’s music hit. I’m really enjoying RAW so far.
  

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Brock Lesnar Addresses Triple H’s Challenge

After laying out The New Age Outlaws with a pair of F-5’s, Paul Heyman gets on the mic and says Brock Lesnar doesn’t play games; he hurts people. Heyman brings up Lesnar breaking Triple H‘s best friend Shawn Michaels‘ arm and breaking Vince McMahon‘s hip. Heyman then addresses the challenge and says…LESNAR ACCEPTS. Heyman, however, says the match only happens if they get to name the stipulation and they won’t reveal the stipulation unless Triple H blindly agrees to this and signs a contract. If Triple H doesn’t agree to this, Heyman says, he will disappoint the WWE Universe, wife, children, father-in-law, and himself. Heyman kneels down to the fallen Road Dogg and says “if you ain’t down with that, I’ve got two words for you…BROOOOOOCK LESNAAAAAAR!” Lesnar’s music hits and the two exit the ring.

• Thoughts: It’s a foregone conclusion that Triple H will accept this horrible one-sided deal but I like the mystery of it. Here’s hoping it’s a submission match to play off the Kimura so Triple H can win at Wrestlemania with the Indian Deathlock. TERRA RYZIN WILL HAVE HIS MOMENT. And great stuff from Heyman as usual; his emotions really helped sell this match and I loved the way he emphatically accepted the challenge for Lesnar.
  

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-Commercial Break-

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Did You Know?: RAW was the top show on cable last Monday.

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Kofi Kingston is already in the ring as Cole/Lawler tell the viewers to TOUT their messages/memories of Paul Bearer. His opponent, Mark Henry, makes his way out second. We see clips of Henry and Ryback staring each other down last Friday on Smackdown.

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Match #4: Kofi Kingston Vs. Mark Henry

Kingston gets in a series of strikes but a headbutt gives Henry the advantage. Henry crushes Kingston in the corner and yells at him to get back up. Henry applies a bearhug to wear Kingston down. Kingston tries to fight out so Henry runs Kingston back into the corner. Henry goes for a powerslam but Kingston slides out. Kingston runs at Henry but Henry knees Kingston right in the jaw and he spills out to the floor after hanging on the apron for a second. Henry follows Kingston out and Kingston side-steps a splash which sends Henry into the ring post. Kingston launches off the ring steps and knocks Henry down with a flying clothesline. Henry rolls in and Kingston heads to the top turnbuckle. Kingston launches himself onto Henry, who catches him and delivers the WORLD’S STRONGEST SLAM for the 1…2…3.

Winner [via Pinfall]: Mark Henry (2:25)

• Match Thoughts: Another good squash for Henry and surprisingly Kingston even got a good chunk of offense in. More than Zack Ryder, that’s for sure.
  

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Backstage

Cody Rhodes runs into WWE Divas Champion Kaitlyn as they both go for a water. Rhodes says he “mustACHE” her a question but Damien Sandow interrupts and takes Kaitlyn’s water from her. Sandow says he’s got two women for he and Rhodes and we pan over to see the returning Bella Twins. Kaitlyn stalks off as Vickie Guerrero comes in. Guerrero gives Sandow and Rhodes a second match for tonight against Sheamus & Randy Orton. Guerrero takes Sandow’s water and walks off.

• Thoughts: Hey the Bellas are back, that’s…okay I really don’t care because they’re pretty terrible. The exchange between Rhodes and Kaitlyn was adorable and Sandow coming in and cockblocking his best friend was amazing especially when he stole Kaitlyn’s water.
  

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“FEED! ME! MORE!”

Ryback makes his way out for the next contest but we cut to an ad for Psych which will guest star The Big Show and then actual commercials.

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-Commercial Break-

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3MB are in the ring. Heath Slater is the one wrestling.

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Match #5: Ryback Vs. Heath Slater [w/ Drew McIntyre & Jinder Mahal]

Ryback stares down Slater but Mark Henry comes out to watch the match. This distracts Slater long enough to mount some early offense. Ryback, however, quickly brushes it off because it’s 3MB. Ryback sets up in the corner and drops Slater with the meat-hook clothesline followed by SHELL SHOCK for the 1…2…3.

Winner [via Pinfall]: Ryback (1:05)

• Match Thoughts: Come on, what would I even say?

Post-Match: Drew McIntyre attacks Ryback from behind but Ryback takes him out quickly with SHELL SHOCK. Mark Henry marches to the ring as Ryback leads a “Feed Me More!” chant. Henry climbs inside and drops McIntyre with the WORLD’S STRONGEST SLAM. Ryback picks McIntyre back up and hits a second SHELL SHOCK. He stares at Henry, who responds by dropping McIntyre with another WORLD’S STRONGEST SLAM. Henry and Ryback get in each other’s faces and trash talk as officials check on McIntyre. Ryback leads a “Feed Me More” chant as Henry exits the ring.

• Thoughts: Ryback and Henry trying to psyche the other out by beating on McIntyre was pretty awesome; it’s a simple feud setup between two strongmen but it’s one that works and I’d like to see it. Ryback could use a match that’s longer than 2 minutes and not a main event PPV loss.
  

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World Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio is walking backstage with Ricardo Rodriguez. He faces U.S. Champ Antonio Cesaro after the commercial.

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-Commercial Break-

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Product Placement: The trailer for WWE Studios-produced The Call airs. Movie stars Halle Berry and features David Otunga who is still on the WWE roster despite having been gone for what seems like forever.

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The show goes back live where Justin Roberts introduces U.S. Champion Antonio Cesaro who is already in the ring. Ricardo Rodriguez comes out and introduces Cesaro’s opponent, World Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio, to the ring. A picture-in-picture from Del Rio plays where he says he was born in Mexico but made in the United States.

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Match #6: *World Heavyweight Champion* Alberto Del Rio [w/ Ricardo Rodriguez] Vs. *WWE U.S. Champion* Antonio Cesaro in a non-title match

Cesaro starts off with a hammerlock. He drives Del Rio into the corner and hits a couple of headbutts. Del Rio responds with a hurricanrana and hits a top-rope crossbody for a 2-count. Del Rio kicks Cesaro in the hamstring and heads to the second rope but Cesaro sweeps his legs and knocks him to the mat. Cesaro drops an elbow and gets a 2-count. Cesaro applies a reverse chinlock as Rodriguez cheers his best friend on. Cesaro whips Del Rio in the corner and hits a running European uppercut for another 2-count. Cesaro works Del Rio over and reapplies the reverse chinlock.

Del Rio sidesteps a corner splash and drops Cesaro with two clotheslines followed by a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Del Rio measures Cesaro and hits a superkick as he gets to his knees for the 1…2…kickout. Del Rio signals for his finisher and leads the crowd in a “SI!” chant. Cesaro catches Del Rio with a headbutt but is sent to the apron. Del Rio seats Cesaro on the middle rope and hits a series of kidney strikes before finishing with a lung blower for the 1…2…kickout. Del Rio heads to the top rope and Cesaro catches him with a European uppercut for the 1…2…kickout! Cesaro argues with the ref then yells out in frustration. Cesaro runs Del Rio over and goes for a German suplex but Del Rio counters into the CROSS ARMBREAKER. Cesaro quickly taps to give Del Rio the victory.

Winner [via Submission]: Alberto Del Rio (4:39)

• Match Thoughts: Just once I want Antonio Cesaro get the win with his out of nowhere European uppercut. Unfortunately he’s a secondary champion so that means he just loses unless the belt is on the line. Sigh. Good match and everything but they could’ve fed someone else to Del Rio. What’s JTG up to? I heard he was at the show.
  

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Backstage

Josh Matthews is with Kane. Matthews says it must be a troubling time for him, and Kane looks before holding up the ceremonial urn. Kane breathes loudly but says nothing, clutching the urn as someone in the crowd yells “SAY SOMETHING!”. Kane doesn’t and walks away instead.

• Thoughts: I really hope Paul Bearer’s ashes aren’t supposed to be in there. That would be over the line. Good stuff from Kane though; he’s selling the anger and sadness perfectly with his silence though I doubt the latter is due to his acting ability.
  

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-Commercial Break-

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“Remembering Paul Bearer” Clip #3 (1997): Paul Bearer brings The Undertaker‘s long-lost brother Kane to the company.

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Wrestlemania 29 Hype: A video plays to hype up Rock/Cena II at the biggest show of the year. Most of it is focused on Cena’s quest for redemption since that’s really the only story to be told here.

• Thoughts: A really good video that will help sell Wrestlemania 29 tickets.

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The show goes back live where “Voices” brings out Randy Orton. Orton heads to the ring as Cole hypes up the tag team match which is next.

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-Commercial Break-

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Earlier Tonight: The Rhodes Scholars’ first match is interrupted by the returning Brock Lesnar, taking out their opponents The New Age Outlaws. Lesnar then answered Triple H‘s cha…you know what you can just scroll up and read it. This is a waste of time to retype.

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The Rhodes Scholars are in the ring as the show comes back from break. Sheamus then makes the final entrance which is weird.

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Match #7: Sheamus & Randy Orton Vs. The Rhodes Scholars (Damien Sandow & Cody Rhodes)

Randy Orton and Damien Sandow start the match off. Sandow grabs a side headlock but is taken down with a back elbow following a leapfrog. Orton connects with a European uppercut and follows up with a suplex for an early 1-count. Sheamus tags in and hits a slingshot forearm for a 2-count. Sheamus twists the arm while in the wristlock position but Sandow pushes him to his team’s corner, allowing Rhodes Scholars to double team for a moment. Rhodes tags in but Sheamus regains the advantage, hitting a rolling senton for a 2-count. Sheamus lifts Rhodes up by his mustache and blocks a backdrop attempt. Sheamus goes to use the ropes for added momentum but Sandow pulls the rope down, sending Sheamus out to the floor. Rhodes distracts the ref, allowing Sandow to clothesline Sheamus on the floor.

Rhodes rolls Sheamus into the ring and covers for a 2-count. Sandow tags in and connects with two elbowdrops followed immediately by a kneedrop for a 2-count. Rhodes tags back in and hits a running knee to the face of a seated Sheamus. Rhodes goes for the cover but only gets another 2-count. Sheamus breaks out of a Rhodes submission and blocks a hip toss before clotheslining Rhodes to the mat. Orton tags in and immediately drops Rhodes with a couple of clotheslines followed by a powerslam. Orton follows up with a T-Bone suplex for a 2-count. Orton goes for the Hanging DDT but Sandow pulls Rhodes to the floor to prevent it. Orton goes to the outside and drops Sandow with a right, but Rhodes sends Orton into the ring post to regain momentum.

Rhodes rolls Orton back in and tags Sandow. Sandow grabs Orton’s right arm and drops a series of knees into Orton’s now-exposed rib cage. Sandow connects with a side Russian legsweep, setting up for the Elbow of Disdain. Sandow connects with it for the 1…2…kickout. Rhodes tags in and stomps on the fallen Orton. Rhodes connects with a front-facing suplex for another 2-count then heads to the top rope. Orton crotches Rhodes. Orton meets Rhodes at the top and connects with a superplex, knocking both men for a loop.

Sandow tags in but can’t prevent the tag to Sheamus, who comes in like a house of fire. Sheamus hits a running kneelift on Sandow which sends him to the apron. Sheamus follows up with the ten forearms of doom then throws him back in. Sheamus gets Sandow in position and connects with White Noise. Sheamus signals for the finish and pounds his chest while the crowd chants. Rhodes runs in to prevent the damage but runs into an Orton RKO. Sheamus finishes up Sandow with the BROGUE KICK for the 1…2…3!

Winners [via Pinfall]: Sheamus & Randy Orton (8:04)

• Match Thoughts: A good tag team match but what does this accomplish? Are Sheamus and Orton a tag team now? Are they preparing themselves for a Wrestlemania match? Why didn’t The Shield interfere? So many questions and although it was a good match it didn’t really accomplish anything other than giving Indiana fans an excuse to see Sheamus and Randy Orton.
  

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Still to Come on RAW: CM Punk/Kane and, next, The Highlight Reel returns with special guests The Miz and IC Champ Wade Barrett.

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-Commercial Break-

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WWEActive Exclusive: The Shield attack Sheamus and Randy Orton on the entrance stage. Seth Rollins connects with a flying knee off the stage and into Orton’s temple. Roman Reigns spears Sheamus on the stage and The Shield stand tall.

• Thoughts: Alright, nevermind. Disregard what I said earlier. Also I’m glad all of these exclusives are airing outside of the WWEActive App because I really don’t want to redownload that ugly ass thing.
  

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Cole and Lawler segue into a series of TOUTs from the WWE Universe sharing Paul Bearer memories.

• Thoughts: Never really big on showing TOUTs but this is one of those rare exceptions. All the exceptions ever in honor of Paul Bearer tonight.
  

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The Highlight Reel w/ Chris Jericho (Guests: The Miz & *WWE IC Champion* Wade Barrett

“Break the Walls Down” brings out Highlight Reel host Chris Jericho. The crowd chants “Y2J” as the music dies down. Jericho welcomes everyone to “RAW…is…Jericho!”. Jericho asks if his light-up jacket is working because it can temperamental. Jericho shows footage from The Marine 3: Homefront then brings out guest #1 The Miz after saying the movie looks “aweeeeesome”. Miz says it’s nice to be a guest for once then jokingly calls Jericho’s set “nice”. Jericho says he used to have furniture and the Jeritron but there were budget cuts. Jericho puts over the movie, but the lovefest is quickly broken up by WWE I.C. Champion Wade Barrett. Barrett, mic in hand, says that  his movie Dead Man Down was in the Top 5 this weekend at the box office. Barrett then shows off a clip where he’s shooting at Colin Farrell.

The show cuts back live and Barrett has made his way into the ring. Miz mocks Barrett, accent and all, and Barrett mocks him for his lack of range as an actor. Barrett says he can do everything from shootouts to Shakespeare and has rejected tons of Hollywood offers due to being too busy as Intercontinental Champion (lie) and “being Wade Barrett”. Miz does the “Really?” schtick and Barrett responds with his own “Really”. Miz says the only reason Barrett is bringing up Dead Man Down is to distract from the fact he hasn’t won a match in weeks. Jericho cuts in with his own “Reallllllly”, channeling Ace Ventura. Jericho, who’s holding a Miz mic, and says Barrett might be a 2-time IC Champ but he’s a 9-time IC Champ. Jericho says maybe he’ll make it ten.

Brad Maddox makes his way out and tells them to “stop it!”. Maddox stops to introduce himself and has an announcement from the desk of “Brickie” (he and Vickie Guerrero‘s “superhero” name). Cole craps on this segment while Maddox makes a match: Barrett will defend the IC Championship next week against the winner of Miz/Jericho this week. Maddox says “that match is right now” and Cole/Lawler mock this stuff some more before a commercial break finally starts.

• Thoughts: Wow this segment was terrible but in a strangely endearing way especially when Brad Maddox showed up to be awesome and one of the most entertaining characters going in the WWE. I could have lived without Cole and Lawler totally burying this as it aired though; have some respect for your own product, WWE. Just because you acknowledge how bad this is going doesn’t make you cool or absolve you.

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-Commercial Break-

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Match #8: The Miz Vs. Chris Jericho in a “IC Title #1 Contenders Match”

The show joins the match in progress as they come back from break. Barrett is now on commentary. Jericho traps Miz in a sleeperhold, but Miz breaks out with a series of elbows. Miz goes for a splash but Jericho gets his boot up. Miz responds with a series of clotheslines but Jericho ducks one and starts hitting shoulderblocks. Jericho goes to the top and hits Miz with an axhandle, Miz-style. Jericho hits the ropes but runs into a Miz boot for a 2-count. Miz gets the backbreaker part of his combo but Jericho kicks him off and connects with a bulldog. Jericho goes for the Lionsault but hits nothing but knees. Miz goes for the corner clothesline but Jericho catches him. Miz counters the Walls of Jericho and dropkicks his legs out from under him. Miz goes for the FIGURE FOUR but Jericho blocks it and goes for the WALLS OF JERICHO. Miz turns it into a roll-up for 2 but Jericho keeps trying after and finally fully turns around to lock it in. After a struggle Miz grabs the bottom rope to cause a rope break. The fight spills to the outside and Jericho sends Miz flying into Barrett. Barrett obviously involves himself and causes a no-contest (I assume).

Winner: No Contest (4:05 shown on TV)

• Match Thoughts: An okay match I guess but nothing special. Barrett getting involved I guess sets up a triple threat match next week.
  

Post-Match: Barrett attacks both men but Jericho hits him with a baseball slide. They drag Barrett in, where Miz hits a SKULL CRUSHING FINALE and Jericho finishes him off with a CODEBREAKER.

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Video: Ricardo Rodriguez and Alberto Del Rio parody the videos done by Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter. They are even dressed as such (RR as Colter, ADR as Swagger) and give a PSA about Mexican food which is a conspiracy against Americans because they make people poop or something.

• Thoughts: That was roughly 40% funny but for every moment of comedy there was a moment of groan-inducing awkwardness. Del Rio saying “let’s go get…PI-ZZA!” was amazing though.
  

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An angry Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter are headed to the ring. What are they gonna do? We’ll find out next!

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-Commercial Break-

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“Remembering Paul Bearer” Clip #4 (1995): Nicholas Tutorro interrogates Paul Bearer about the disappearance of Yokozuna. He’s wearing a dress because he was hiding. The lights go out and now Mr. Fuji is in the dress! It’s a lot funnier than it sounds.

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Sin Cara is in the ring for the next match. Jack Swagger makes his way out next with Zeb Colter, who has a mic already in his hand. Colter tells them to cut the music and says there are a ton of problems in this country, one of them being Sin Cara (pronounced SIN CARE-UH). Colter says everyone is programmed to cheer Cara because he has a cool entrance and bounces around the ring like a Mexican jumping bean. Colter says he knows everyone else thinks the way they do about Cara. Colter calls Cara a thief because every night someone like Sin Cara (along with a band of amigos) crosses our borders looking to steal. Colter says it’s the WWE Universe’s fault for enabling and allowing this by not doing anything about it. Colter tells everyone not to be afraid to say something, but if they don’t want to say anything, he and Swagger will for them. Colter turns his attention to Alberto Del Rio. Colter says the only thing Del Rio has made was made them aware of how many things need to change in this country. Swagger says he will usher in that change at Wrestlemania 29 and he welcomes everyone to “Jack Swagger’s America!”. He concludes with a “We the People”.

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Match #9: Sin Cara Vs. Jack Swagger [w/ Zeb Colter]

Swagger tries to toss Cara out of the ring but Cara takes him out instead. Cara hits a baseball slide followed by a top-rope splash who lands real awkwardly, his head bouncing off the mat. The action moves back inside and Cara continues using his speed to outwit Swagger, catching him with a temple kick from the apron. Cara goes for a springboard move but Swagger catches him with a boot. Swagger works over Cara’s knee for a second then applies the PATRIOT LOCK for the quick tapout victory.

Winner [via Submission]: Jack Swagger (1:48)

Post-Match: Swagger refuses to release the hold so Alberto Del Rio comes out for the rescue. Del Rio manages to apply the CROSS ARMBREAKER but Colter pulls Swagger out of the ring before any damage could be done.

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Product Placement: Hale Berry starts talking about The Call but receives a call from David Otunga. Otunga warns her he shared her number with someone. Otunga quickly hangs up and Berry gets another call. This time it’s Kane who asks why she never answers his fanmail. She hangs up and says she’s going to kill Otunga. She sets off the ring post pyro where Kane is when she drops her arms then promises she won’t pick up her phone again.

• Thoughts: Now if WWE did more of that and less trailer-showing, I would be a lot happier.
  

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-Commercial Break-

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WWE Rewind: CM Punk interrupts The Undertaker’s tribute to Paul Bearer, leading to the main event of Punk Vs. Kane. It happened 6 hours ago when the show started.

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Cut back to the announce table where Cole and Lawler announce that Ryback and Mark Henry will go one-on-one…on Smackdown.

• Thoughts: Wait, what?
  

“Cult of Personality” hits, bringing out CM Punk for the main event. He looks uneasy, looking around for a sneak attack or a certain “Phenom” to come out. His opponent, Kane, comes out second clutching the urn. Cole lets everyone who’s new to the WWE know about why the urn is so important.

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Main Event: Kane Vs. CM Punk in a “No-Disqualification Match”

Punk connects with a suicide dive onto Kane on the outside, starting the match proper. Punk continues stomping away at Kane, but Kane catches him with an uppercut out of nowhere. Kane drives the knees into Punk repeatedly before tossing him into the barricade. Kane rams Punk into the ring post, then into the barricade once more. Kane connects with a right hand and tosses Punk into the timekeeper’s area before clearing off the announce table. Punk catches Kane in the gut with the ringbell then connects with a double axhandle off the barricade. Punk takes a moment to stare at the urn then goes back to Kane, who nails him with a TV. Kane grabs the top part of the announce table and drops it on Punk then hangs him off the apron for a couple of elbows.

The action gets into the ring for the first time tonight. Kane crotches Punk on the top turnbuckle and connects with a right. Kane goes to the second turnbuckle and sets up for a superplex but Punk fights out and rakes the eyes repeatedly before knocking Kane to the mat. Punk follows up with the Top Rope Elbow for the 1…2…kickout. Punk hits the running knee in the corner then says “20-1” before connecting with another running knee. Punk goes for the bulldog but Kane pushes him off and sends him out to the floor. More to come after the awkwardly-placed break.

• Mid-Match Thoughts: A commercial during the overrun? Weird.

-Commercial Break-

Kane whips Punk into the ropes but Punk slides out of a bodyslam and gets the boot up during a corner splash. Punk connects with a second-rope clothesline for a 2-count. Punk wedges a chair between the top and middle turnbuckle then connects with a series of rights to Kane. Kane reverses an Irish whip, sending Punk flying into the steel chair. Kane mounts his comeback and hits his corner clotheslines followed by the sidewalk slam. Kane clotheslines Punk out to the floor, and Kane follows him to inflict more damage. Kane whips Punk ribs-first into the barricade then tosses three chairs into the ring. Kane brings back into the ring and goes for a CHOKESLAM on the chairs but Punk counters with a DDT into the steel for the 1…2…kickout.

Punk whacks Kane with a couple of chairshots but Kane goozles him out of nowhere. Punk fights out with a well-placed kick then signals for the Go to Sleep. The familiar “BOOOOOOOOOONG!” hits out of nowhere, distracting Punk and allowing Kane to hit the CHOKESLAM for the 1…2…3!

Winner [via Pinfall]: Kane (12:02)

• Match Thoughts: A tame No-DQ match that dragged more than anything. Kane getting the win made the most sense and I’m glad he got it, plus it won’t hurt Punk in the process. Punk is bulletproof going into Wrestlemania 29.
  

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End of Show Segment

The lights turn purple and The Undertaker reemerges. He and Kane get to their knees and do their classic urn salute to one another while the Paul Bearer graphic shows on the TitanTron. Punk attacks Kane from behind with the urn and bashes him repeatedly with it before The Undertaker makes it to the ring. Punk escapes with the urn, clutching it to his chest. He holds the urn and does the Undertaker salute with the other arm. Undertaker drags his thumb across his throat to signal to Punk. Both men stare one another down as the show finally concludes.

• Thoughts: For better or worse it looks like the untimely death of Paul Bearer has just given Punk/Undertaker some new story elements to play with. Interesting way to end the show but jesus the overrun went on way too long.
  

*****

And that concludes this week’s RAW recap. Thanks for joining me and look for a much smaller “Results” post tomorrow if you just want highlights.